Father

Ever get those nights where you cant sleep? With a pounding heart, an unsettled spirit, and a vigorously active mind?

Yup! I’m totally there right now! So, I’ve decided to give this old place a visit, and a nice dusting off, as I write out one of the many things current on my mind and heart.

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~For those of you who actually know your father, ever think about how your relationship, as an individual, with your father has developed over time, and how it is now?

Not many people, I realize, have been able to either know, or grow close to their fathers due to their life situations. I’ve been given the great privilege to not only have a father that loves me, but to actually get to know him. Heh, its interesting how my view of him has developed through my life. I remember times when, as a young child, I would think of my father as someone I trusted, almost instinctively and naturally. As I grew older and entered middle/high school, I remember how my view of my father changed. He wasn’t around often due to work… well, maybe he was, but we never spent too much time together then lol, we each had our own “hobbies” that occupied our hearts and time. (Ahh… I realize now how colossal an idiot I was for spending more time gaming and nerding out than with my father. So much, im sure, could have been different had we spent more time together…) Heh, much to my shame, I also remember times where, as an often stupid and naive teen, I blatantly disrespected him in many ways. Counter arguing or ignoring any type of life advice or discipline he would try to administer to me, thinking myself “clever”… heh. Oh High school days… so dumb, in many ways.

It wasn’t until the divorce that me and my father began to spend more time with one another. I mean REAL time, not just during fun family trips… but during life. We’ve been through some stuff together. My realization of, not only all that my father has done for me, but also his love for me deepened during this time. Although these were harsh and painful times in many ways, nevertheless I’ve seen God work mightily amidst this period of our lives, and strangely, it’s been something I’ve come to appreciate.

Haha oh, I remember those college days! My father would drive me to and from my college sometimes (even though I could drive… now that I think about it, I think he just wanted to spend some time with me heh), and during the drive home, I’d be soooo excited about what I’d just learned in class that I would recap and share everything with him haha! And I think he actually enjoyed listening. He certainly had a question to ask, here and there, about it. (It must’ve been a bit like a mini-sermon every day home from Christian Life class lol. Sometimes I wonder…) There are also days when me and him would eat out at restaurants! Smokey Bones, Applebees, TGI Fridays, Buffalo Wild Wings… a bunch of places! (Really mundane stuff to some people, im sure… but not me hah! These moments are treasured memories, that i’m gonna hang onto as long as I can.)

When I think about the type of man my father is and everything he’s done for our family, it breaks me up to think that I’ve failed to reciprocate that love to him so many times, in so many crucial ways. And yet he still loves me. Although he’s a flawed man in many ways, haha I personally don’t really care! I wouldn’t want another father. I love my him, and I thank God for giving me a father like him. (And I honestly believe that I’m able to understand God the Father’s love for me a bit more robustly because of the love my own father showed me)

I only pray that he too would one day come to know the Jesus that I’ve grown to love…

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So hey, how’s that for a dusting off haha? Maybe I’ll put some stuff up here from time to time… on another thoughtful night like this, perhaps? =P

~Grace and Peace